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21 August 2006 @ 10:11 pm
Hell's blazes, it's been a while.
So much has changed. Boys are stupid, music doesn't argue. Food is good, especially candy and veggies. Back in school, and releived that I've only got one more year of public education and I'll be done. It looks good, though, the sophomores are so cute. Cuter than we were, I daresay. So here I am, contemplating things and having a drink before bed. A clear substance that is too expensive, but I partake anyway. So many things to think of, so many things I want to do, but none of them here. I've got that itchy feeling in my bones like tacks are poking them and I have to do something, anything, to keep from lapsing into nothing. I sit back and try to relax, but there's no such thing in my case. Sweat and alcohol and sugar are all pouring out of my pores and I just want to feel closeness. Physical closeness to a person. A person that lives, breathes, and has normal parts inside that all slosh around in a soothing way. I must sound crazy, but sometimes I think too much. Sometimes I want to do and not think, how I wish I could be so impulsive all the time! Just last week I needed that spontaneous insanity, but it left me right when I needed it most. There's someone on here I'm thinking of, and I bet he doesn't know it. Or if he does, he's being ridiculously neurtral about it. But he's warm (physically and otherwise), he's something weird and special, and he's got my attention. Which is more than I can say for most things as of now, even books and alcohol and sugar, those things I love so dearly. I need to exercise this energy, this itchy-pins-in-the-bones-feeling. I'm so happy, but I still want more. I love my job, I'm pleased with school, I have friends I love...I have all the food and medicines I need to live....what's missing?
I know what's missing.
But am I going to go for it, or am I just going to sit around and look at it like it were a game of hangman?
It's not the same as hangman, but I can see the resembalance from here.
You can take the kid from the fight, but not the fight from the kid. Relax, relapse. Nasty cycle, but here I am again on the relapse end of it.
Relax, relapse. Perfect way to explain this. When I'm distanced from things like that, the closeness, I mean, I get to be so calm and apathetic. I'm not like that at all, where's my all-consuming PASSION? Then once I get just a taste--a tight, warm embrace, maybe a kind word, a moment of odd bonding--RELAPSE! I'm right back to the bibbling ball of addiction I am. Only this is worse than narcotics or sugar. No, it's much worse. Well, I deal. I have to.
So here I go, going to polish off this bottle and this package of peach rings and fall back onto the bed. Maybe pick a little at my algebra homework. But I'm going to convince myself that nothing too awful can happen. No, I won't get hurt this time. Even other people think I might be on to something.
Thanks for the encouragement, and in her case, the semi-encouragement-type-bit.
Sigh, good night and good luck. May all your mornings feel like the best of afterglows. Mine have.
05 April 2006 @ 12:42 pm
I cut today.

For no reason other than the scissors felt good.

And now I feel horrible. I shouldn't have done it. I shouldn't have even thought about it.

I think it's time to admit that there's a problem.
Tags: ,
Current Mood: guiltyguilty
Current Music: the matches - the jack slap cheer
03 April 2006 @ 12:53 am
A lot of people seem to think that I'm a really dispassionate person. And I guess I perpetuate that by being laissez faire about schoolwork and the little disappointments life throws at people. I mean, there are a lot of things that I couldn't care less about.

I can only accept the harshness of reality to a certain point - and I wonder why the world is so fucked up that 99% of my peers turn to intoxication to escape. Is it really that bad? Is intoxication that good?

It's so normal for me to go through my days not thinking about drugs or alcohol, and then it comes up that somebody that I know or love or respect is snorting cocaine, and I have two seconds to adjust before it starts to hurt.

It hurts to know that people I care about do drugs. It hurts to know that my mom's an alcoholic. It hurts because I know that there's nothing I can do about it - it's not my place.

I don't understand. I'll probably never understand.
Tags: ,
Current Mood: thoughtfuleverybreaththatiexhaleisasigh
Current Music: FATA - The Royal Crown vs. The Blue Duchess
02 April 2006 @ 10:34 pm
Here goes. First post, and I have to get this out of myself before I die of over-feeling.
Love is a confusing mess of hate, hurt, lust, friend, heart, head, pants, brains...and...and...I don't know what. This man makes me cry most of the time, but it's not from making me feel worthless, quite the opposite. He dates other women, he screws other women and comes to me with his problems, and vice versa, but no matter how stupid he is or how many times he fails miserably I love him anyway.
I can't think of a better word for it.
I want to make his problems go away, I want him to be happy if he'd just let me. But several things keep that from happeneing right now.
Point is, though, I don't know what to do with myself anymore. Sure, I see other men, but I know they won't last for very long. I don't fool myself into thinking that THOSE dreams will come true. And...it confuses me so bad. It hurts me wen he's down, and I find myself thrilled (if not a taint jealous, just because of nature) when he's happy. I wish...well, I don't know what I wish, exactly. I wish the world were perfect and things could be where we COULD both be happy. But not yet. No, not yet.

...I feel so much better getting that out, nonsensical as it could be. Love you guys, thanks so much for listening.
Tags: ,
Current Location: my room
Current Music: evita.